How to deal with worry, overthinking & uncertainty
A method of dealing with uncertainty and worry - long post alert~! An exposition of how and why we worry. And what we can do about it.
The answer - 'Don't know, Can't know, Don't need to know'
This is a mantra I have been experimenting with lately, which seems especially relevant in today's world in which there is so much uncertainty - technologically, ecologically, politically, economically... need I go on. I tell my clients that it is natural to worry and that our brain's primary goal is to survive, not to thrive. The humans that remembered and predicted negative events were more likely to survive and reproduce... and those humans gave birth to us! Therefore, we are fighting with ancient brain circuity here and it can help to take an active role to combat this sticky 'negativity bias'.
Prelude aside, let's get into the mantra. Don't know, Can't know, Don't need to know. Easy to remember, but let's break it down.
Don't know - Do I know for sure what the outcome is going to be? The impulsive answer is yes! But we need to examine this more carefully. To know is different than to believe. Can I absolutely know what I believe with 100% certainty? E.g. if I am worried about an upcoming conversation going wrong - do I really know how this conversation will go? Can I be sure of this without doubt? Another way to think of this is; would I be willing to bet my life's earnings that this conversation will go exactly the way I predicted and not vary in any shape or form.
Another example - You’re coming home from work and about to have a ‘serious’ conversation with your partner. Is it possible to know exactly how they will react? Is this knowable? We might know how they’ve reacted in the past but can we 100% know their thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour in the moment we have the conversation.
Can't know - Is what I am thinking about even knowable? Our brain is a pattern matching prediction engine and has evolved to predict the future to keep us safe. We believe our predictions are reality, but if we stop to question this... is it true? Can we really know how that conversation, that meeting, that dreaded event will go? Were you able to predict every event in your life leading up to now? This step can be deeply uncomfortable for people to open up to the possibility of 'can't know'.
For example - it might be true that we have previously done poorly in a task (e.g. quiz, assessment, presentation), however, can we know how this particular task will turn out? Each event is influenced by the myriad of factors that came before it, one of which is the mindset we bring to the event.
Don't need to know - Do we even need to know? Our survival brain tells us 'of course we need to know!' - but is that really true? Every challenge you have ever faced in your life - did you know exactly what that challenge would entail, or what you would be required to do in 100% clarity BEFORE you did it? Despite there being some element (likely a lot) that we didn't know; did you manage to survive the situation? Was life somewhat okay after it - even if not immediately. To embrace not needing to know is to allow the full expression of life and to remain open to possibilities. It opens up the possibility that we can function, and even THRIVE, even when we don't know. Because in reality... have we ever really known what's going to happen?
For example - You’ve started a new job and you’re worried whether you are going to like it. Do you need to know in advance you will like it to give it your best effort? You will only know if you will like it when you do the job, not a moment sooner.
The important part is to not just think of this practice as another task to get through, thinking, 'oh yeah, I don't know, can't know, don’t need to know <proceed to go on with life and move to the next thing>'. It is about using this phrase as a pointer, going beyond simply intellectualizing it and feeling into 'is this true for me?' and asking yourself 'what does it feel like in my experience if this is true'. How would your life be different if you ‘don’t know, can’t know, don’t need to know?’
<This blog post is to stimulate thinking and discussion and should not be taken as the absolute truth. It is only true if it is true in your experience. Let me know below whether this is helpful, unhelpful, or would like concepts explored further>
